As many Earthly cities, Sofia, Bulgaria has its mass transportation system. It includes buses, trams, troleys (electric buses), and subway. That transporatation system has been parasited by sub-human individuals, whose only goal is to make your travel as uncomfortable as possible, and to get as much money as possible for providing you with their unique service. The term, coined for these early stages of multicellular organisms is “controllers”.

Details of the toll collecting system

The essence of the toll collecting system in Bulgaria is the concept of “tickets” – small slips of paper that are supposed to grant you legitimate access to a single public transportation vehicle. A ticket usually costs 0,40 Bulgarian levs, which is generally equal to 20 US cents or a quarter of a beer, to be more universal. Indeed, the Sofia Public Transportation Company (SPTC) has invented many other forms of “tickets”, varying in price, shape, function, color, and sometimes in taste, thus demonstrating their subverse hopes to gain as much money from confused travellers.

Anyway, once you approach a bus, in order to have a legitimate ride and not be attacked by a bunch of bloodthursty “controllers”, you should:

  1. Get on the transportation vehicle
  2. Perform a maneuvre to take control of at least one unoccupied seat before some old lady does
  3. Get a ticket from your pocket, or if in an emergency talk the vehicle driver into selling you one. Be aware that tickets bought from vehicle drivers have a special stamp on them, that can cause public disrespect or even attempts to humiliate the buyer.
  4. Insert the ticket in the ticket puncher – a device that has a primitive public-key encryption system, which leaves irremovable holes on your ticket in a pseudo-random combination. The combination is constant relating to a single vehicle, but is different accross different vehicles, and is changed daily in each vehicle.
  5. Enjoy your ride!

The psychology of a “controller”

Bulgaria’s transportation system controllers have a very basic mental contents, generally due to their early evolution stage (somewhere between cockroaches and Edam cheese). The behavioral pattern of “controllers” is a pretty stupifying one. Controllers are diurnal organisms, meaning that they mainly hunt during daylight, since during the night, the Bulgarian public transporatation system becomes a jungle of organisms at various levels of development, and competition becomes unbearable for simple controllers. During the day, controllers tend to get on a random public transportation vehicle and attack all passengers, asking them for money and making their ride a terrible one. Beyond application of physical force, the only way to get rid of a controller is to either pay it or show it a properly punched ticket. Public transporation tickets tend to have a very strong effect on controllers, which scientists attribute to the copper lining, used for verification. Additionally, controllers have the spectacular ability to decypher and verify the public key encrypted data punched on your ticket in a split second, so you cannot use the same ticket on different public transportation vehicles. In rage of having another more pray lost, the controller with attempt to demonstrate his rage by ripping a half of your ticket in a satanistic ritual. If the controller finds no victim, unprotected by tickets or money, it will descend from the vehicle on the next stop and immediately approach the next public tranportation vehicle it sees in order to search for prey.

In case you refuse or unable to either pay the controller or sacrifice a half of your ticket to it, the controller will turn very aggressive. It will attempt to attack you directly, but would not generally do so, because most people on public transportation vehicles hade controllers and collect them to produce soap. On the next stop, the controller will force you to descend out of the bus in order to be able to attack you in a place there are less intelligent organisms to help you. Finally, it will file a penalty tax, equal to an astronomical amount of money just for the sake of it – a controller never gets money for the penalties he files.

How to escape a controller

As you can conclude yourself, controllers are pretty dumb and it is easy to confuse them so much that their primitive neural systems stop functioning for a limited time and the controllers will leave you alone. Some ways to confuse the controller are:

  • Speak in a foreign language – The linguistic abilities of controllers reach as far as pronouncing the phrase “Tickets, please!” and they surely are not aware of foreign languages.
  • Ignore the controller – Pretend to be deaf, blind, and senseless – do not react in any way to the actions of the controller
  • Run away from the controller – In rather crowded public transportation vehicles you will have the chance to get out of the vehicle on the next stop, before the controller reaches you – you just have to notice it in time.
  • Move in groups – Controllers tend to ignore groups of 7-8 or more people that appear to be in good health.


As you can see, controllers are rather unpleasant multi-cellular organisms one can encounter in Bulgaria’s public transportation systems. It is easy, however, to get rid of them in a timely fashion.

PS. Това е истинска статия.

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